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Opening thoughts

J. Scott Smith

On the pages to come within are
recorded the wanderings of a mind;
painful recollection of a lingering scar,
remembrance of an occasion kind.

Some are forthright, direct, unclouded,
open, for all to know and each to see.
Others are enigmas, mysteries shrouded,
abstract conceptions of irrationality.

None achieve excellence as literary works,
approaching the boundaries of utter contempt;
revelations of a brain plagued with a quirk,
normality expressed through a mind which is bent.

Here I am, laid bare through my works within;
light shed upon corners long dark,
color to brighten a canvas dim,
mental recesses creating their lasting mark.

February 1985
As mentioned elsewhere, I wrote this to preface the first book I created. As with most of the pieces I've written, I actually do know what each line is about. Yes, that means in those places in these notes where I say I'm not sure, I am lying. I assure you, it was intentional.
The lingering scar is my first wife. We married when I was 18 and were divorced before I was 19, and at this time we had been divorced a little over five years. I was another five or more from being over it. I didn't realize that at the time, and sadly my second wife (and my children's mother) had to deal with not only our marriage, but my residual issus from my first one. Not fair, but then, life's not fair.
The occasion kind was a reference to The Coat. If you read the notes on that piece, you'll understand better why the kindness was mine.
The second stanza was a self-assessment. Keep in mind that save for one poem, this one references everything I did in the 70s while I was still in high school. Some of what I wrote was pretty simple stuff; some of it was pretty pretzelish.
More self-assessment in the first half of the third, followed by a conclusion. As my dad puts it: "Boy, you're weird." It's true. I'm not at all sure what normal is, but am sure it is not me. But while I do enjoy Poe, my bent is not quite as far from kilter as was his. I tend to favor an odd point of view or interpretation, but not to the out-and-out outlandish as did Poe (although Poe is quite rational is his less well- known work.) Still, for whatever reason, I fairly often get the "You sound like Poe" comment from others.
And finally, in the fourth, we have the laughable assertion (more of an implication) that my memory of what spawned the work was "dim" and "dark". All I can say is it hasn't gotten any brighter; however, I'm surprised it is still as good as it is. I now understand why diaries and journals, neither of which I keep, are such good ideas. Being able to go back and read what you wrote is an excellent way to refresh those memories. You not only get the input of what you wrote, but the reading of it will evoke other memories as well.
I should have kept a diary. Instead, I have about 50,000 email messages that go bak 15 years or so. They'll have to do.
[jss, November 2011]
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